I was just sitting.
I was just sitting down and my legs were folded with my knees to my chest and I think she was talking to me about what I should pack and I could hear her but I didn’t realize I wasn’t saying anything and I didn’t realize I was crying until I felt water fall down my cheeks and it kept coming and coming and coming so I just held my hands to my face like I was trying to hide from something that wasn’t there and she kept talking until she stopped and saw me on the floor there with my legs crossed and started talking again but this time telling me that it’s okay and not to cry and we sat like that for a little while just rocking back and forth and speaking softly
I think you would probably think I was crazy if you saw me. Laughing. But nothing was funny. Really, actually it was sad. But that’s what I’ve said before in front of you and I know you don’t think I am. No matter how much I try and convince you. Look, look how crazy, see? Laughing and crying. Crying laughing. Still not funny. Still sad. Still you’d shake your head, like you always do. Not crazy.
just in pain
There is tremendous power. In the silence that rests between mountains. I feel peace in this, peace here, trying to let my eyes shut close, to let it seep through my skin and find a home deep in my bones. Not yet though.
Not yet, but soon
There are some days when I think. Think about it, or I guess think about what happened. I don’t know, maybe I get sad. Mostly angry, though. Angry at what happened. At you. At me. So angry that I can sit there and rack my brain for hours and think and think and think without actually thinking at all. Because. It shouldn’t have ever happened. And I shouldn’t have to think. When I know you don’t
I’m supposed to love you.
You taught me so much
It makes me
Want to bang my fists against walls
To show you how I bleed
To show you that
When I do bleed
It doesn’t always have to be red
Sitting by the pool, Toes dipped in. Slow like they are being eased into fire. Just cold, though. Refreshing, maybe. But also shocking and somewhat unwanted. A little deeper now, water rising to foot, then foot to leg, one leg to both legs. Laughing to yourself now. Why are you cold? After all, you were hot. So hot you decided right then and there you were going in. You wanted to. at least you think you did. Then your waist is swaying back and forth, barely making a splash and you know you’re about to. Why are you cold? One more push and you are to your shoulders. No going back now and you’re under. You’re under? You’re under! You’re sinking but are you really. Expelling air from your nose, pressure creeping in, pushing on all sides, forcing you to feel it all. Why are you cold? Why are you sad? You laugh in your head. I do feel all of it. I do, you say. You reach the bottom then. Pause for a while but only a few seconds time. Knowing that there is only one place that you will go now. You don’t have to open your eyes to see it. Not in this way.
This is how you rise.
I begged to no one.
‘Stop trying to understand’
I begged myself.